I feel like I have been torn to pieces and put back together again... I feel like I have loved so hard, for so long, but now I am convinced that all the love that I once felt is gone. I have always been a dreamer and an unwavering optimist; but now I see only one path before me: the same one as that of the sun, and one day, too, I will have shined my last, and I will finally be free of all pain. I have felt many connections over my life, but almost all of the people with whom I have shared so much have long since gone their own way and anything once felt has been lost. This is what happens, this is what has happened, this is what I never anticipated, this is what I never could have predicted; but as times change so too are people remade - especially when they find themselves at a crossroads, scarred by life, and not willing to repeat the same cycle that they have been struggling to live through over and over, seemingly without end. What should we do, What would we do, What can we do to feel something, anything, like we once felt before? But there is no way back. There is no way to start anew. There is no way to know what would have happened if different choices had been made - especially when each and every day feels simultaneously like the first and the last. There is no way other than to reach for tomorrow, and hope that what we find will once again remind us of where we came from and why we are still alive. There is always a way forward, even after something akin to the "End of the World" - but, if you want to give the version of you who rises out of the ashes of what came before something that they will keep with them in the new world of the future that awaits them, you could do no better than to gift a thought of hope and a promise that everything will be OK as long as they choose to embrace, and do not fear, the burden that is sometimes felt by those of us who would class ourselves as survivors.
poet
My Poem “Everything to Me”
On the night after my Dad died, I ran away into the city - I wanted to lose myself within the metropolis of people, because I felt like I had lost something inside of me... on the night after my Dad died, I walked the illuminated city streets not knowing where I was going to go, nor who I was going to meet... on the night after my Dad died, I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life... on the night after my Dad died, I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to cry - but, in all honesty, I could not control my emotions so instead I felt numb but as if I were walking around with a gaping wound in my chest that exposed my bleeding heart that felt like it had been repeatedly stabbed by a knife. On the night after my Dad died, I unexpectedly met some new friends who all already knew one another and who had gathered together to share a Christmas drink - and though I had never met any of them before I knew that there was something to my meeting them that seemed like someone or something wanted me to form a brand new link... on the night after my Dad died, I remember being angry at whomever or whatever had taken my Dad away from me... on the night after my Dad died, I could not believe what had happened, what I had seen - and even now, and always, I will never be able to comprehend this nightmarish new reality I am living in that I wish was just a bad dream. On the night after my Dad died - after spending most of the night talking, connecting, and intoxicated, with my new friends - I said goodbye, and then, after I somehow made my way home, I reflected upon what had happened through a mirrored torrent of tears, and I wondered what was going to happen next and who I now was - and though no clear answers came to me, I knew that my world, as I knew it, had come to an end. My Dad is always with me - I feel him around me, within me, like the glow and the feeling of some kind of perpetual spirit and light that I know is my Dad speaking to me, reaching out to me, guiding me, giving me the gift of his unending love that will always mean everything to me. -Mark Hastings 22/12/22 In memory of my Dad, David William George Hastings 6/1/1949 - 8/12/2022
My Poem “Shadow of Death”
All my footprints have gone... all my fingerprints have disappeared... all my impressions have been undone... all my loves have been lost - it is as if what happened never happened and now I am the only one who remembers or cares that I once used to be with someone, sometime, somewhere. I never used to believe in true endings until this year, and now it feel as if life is not done teaching me the lesson that I, nor anybody, has true control over what happens... I never believed that hope would abandon me - but something is telling me and showing me that the days of knowing what to do and when are out of my hands and from now on I am going to have to do more to keep the once perpetual light of optimism within me lit, because even the most intense and raging fire can be doused and can even go out for good. All my life, I took more for granted than I realised - and it is only now, that I am bereft of what and who I used to rely on, that I understand where I have been going wrong, where and when I should have done more, and made the most of moments that I thought would last for ever, but were always only temporary... all my life, I have been blessed and I have been surrounded by more that I could have ever wished or asked for; and now that things, and people, have left me I find myself wondering if, when, and how my life could make sense ever again - because I have been changed forever in ways that not even I could describe or capture in poetry. The future, to me, is now one day at a time... the past, to me, is now like somewhere I once knew that I wont see or repeat again until I reach my own version of the end... the present is dark, and even the lights I see, to me, have lost their once vibrant shine... reality, for me, has been fractured too badly for anything or anyone to be able to mend - because I will always be haunted and living under the shadow of death.
My Poem “No One Is Ever Alone”
It's scary how fast time goes by... It's scary how fast things can change... It's scary how many times in our lives we have to say goodbye... It's scary how many people have found themselves staring into space as they wonder what's next? Everybody has a dream that they hope and pray will become a reality someday... Everybody has a nightmare that they wish will never come to pass... Everybody has an ideal life that they always imagine, which within their mind can seem so real and so tangible that they can almost make themselves believe that all they have to do is simply to choose to get out of their own way... Everybody has lost someone who has meant something to them - and the best way to remember and to honour someone, in my experience, is to take the time to stop what you are doing and realise that every moment is like a page being turned in a book, which soon transitions from being the present into becoming the past, which leaves an impression but not always one that is meant to last. Life, like the universe, can seem so big for such a small word... Life, especially when we are young, can seem too incredible and sometimes too unfathomable for our minds to handle... Life is a question with an answer - but you have to stay until the end in order to find out... Life is complicated and emotional... Life is not always good and life is not always bad... Life is a riddle that some people work out slowly but surely, while others take a more direct approach and miss the point of why some things happen and why some things don't. A traveller of time and space once said that: "Fear can be a superpower" - and, if you think back over your life and everything that you have been through, you will realise that though things might not have gone how you might once have envisioned they would things happened the way that they had to, because life consists of each and every one of us making a difference and leaping into the unknown with a secret: that "No One Is Ever Alone."
My Poem “Never See It Coming”
We all can not help ourselves from sometimes believing that everything and everyone will remain how we have always known them to be... we all can not help ourselves from sometimes taking our eyes off the road and not always paying attention to what or who is approaching us... we all can not help ourselves from sometimes taking things for granted - like a sacred tree that has stood for centuries and to its admirers it is legendary; however, then something surprising always happens, then something shocking will occur, then something, or someone, will do something so out of the ordinary and out of the realms of possibility, and the world itself can feel to some as if it has been changed irrevocably. No one can know with any certainty what will happen when they leave their homes every morning... no one can know what the waves of tomorrow will take with them, nor what they will bring... no one can know, by only using their eyes, who or what is standing right beside them... no one can know what someone is thinking and feeling when they look at you, nor what twists and turns a person will take driven by the energy of their passion. There are always plans being drawn up... there is always intention that precedes every action... there are always fragments left over following an unprecedented collapse of understanding which brings to the surface fear, loss, and uncertainty about the future... there are always people coming and going, arriving and leaving - and though we can all sometimes make ourselves and others believe that we are ready for anything, when something happens that perhaps feels as impactful and as disastrous as a star imploding and then exploding, when the time comes for us to face what we may need to face we will not know what to do, because when something of that magnitude happens we never see it coming.
My Poem “The Poetry Only I Could Write”
No one is born with a pen in their hand... No one is born with experience in their head... No one is born with the knowledge of who they are and what they are supposed to do with their life... No one is born with all that they could ever need; however, everybody is born with the potential to become anything, or anyone, and if we are lucky then we get to be born to, and brought up with, parents and guardians who will give us more than we could ever dream. I was, I am, and I will always consider myself one of the lucky ones - because from the moment of my birth I was given uncontainable and unconditional love by my Mum and my Dad... I was, I am, and I will always be a dreamer who will do whatever I can to make whatever I can imagine a reality... I was, I am, and I will always be the one who will never allow darkness to eclipse to the light that throughout everything I have had to go through has kept me from going mad... I was, I am, and I will always be someone who will never give up on anything or on anyone whom to me beams with an ever-glowing essence of pure joy and poetry. I have always believed and I have always shared my belief that everything happens for a reason... from the moment that the wolf within my soul began howling as a result of the love that I felt, which eventually inspired my first poem and all that have followed, I knew that I was who and what I am for a reason... I have always loved making connections physically, intellectually, emotionally, and allowing myself to fall like a shooting star to Earth and find myself somewhere I have always been fated to be with people whom I have always been destined to meet... from the instant that the spark of inspiration within my mind was ignited, I have always known that only I could have seen what I have seen, only I could have been to where I have been, and only I can think, imagine, express, and write the poetry that only I could write.
My Poem “Café Mambo”
When I close my eyes, I can still see the perfectly unbroken blue sky and I can still feel the peace and tranquillity that I felt within as I sat looking out at the breathtaking view of the calming and hypnotic waves of the paradise sea... I can still recall how lucky I felt to be where I was, with whom I was with, as we enjoyed the energy of the moments of stillness - as we all experienced the sensation of falling into a trance, as we listened to the music of the DJ who seemed to know exactly what songs to play and when to play them and who you could tell from the smile on their face knew that they had the best job, in the best place, and with one of the best views on Earth there could ever be... I can still see the sunlight sparkling off the spinning mirrored balls... I can still feel the tender touch of the ocean breeze... I can still remember what I was thinking and who I wished were with me, where I was, so that they, too, could share what I was feeling with me that felt more dreamlike and heavenly than pictures could ever show - that was what I saw, that was what I felt, that was what I can still see and relive within my mind when I close my eyes and I think about my time on the island of Ibiza, at the world famous Café Mambo.
Happy National Poetry Day 2023!
My Poem “The Insight”
My father, my mother, my family, my friends, and I have shared many amazing and wonderful gifts of shared experience together - however, on more than one occasion, above all the gifts of reciprocation, the psychic and empathic bond that I have had with certain people still continues to thrill me and to further convince me that what we think, what we feel, what we say, what we share is sometimes inaudible and only known by those who we have opened up to and those who we have given a part of our soul. Since I was a child, I have put my trust in people... since I was a child, I have put my faith in fate... since I was a child, I have put my heart into a circle of family who became my world... since I was a child, things have changed in some ways - whereas, in some ways, some things have remained the same: one of which being, I have always preferred to be early for something than to turn up to something, somewhere, late. I have always had heightened senses that told me that something was happening or that something was about to happen that though it would be out of my hands whatever it was would have a profound effect on me... I have always had this gift to be able to feel what and who lies beyond the invisible veil that separates the different versions of what is called "reality"... I have always had this instinct about certain things, even before I knew what they meant - and I have had experiences with certain people when we gave something to each other, and I know that what we had, though perhaps short-lived, meant something at the time. I have always loved having the secret knowledge that I could do the seemingly impossible - that I could go back to the beginning, relive moments when I was younger, and revist with the people who mean the most to me, as well as return to the places and to revist the people I knew from days and relationships gone by, where, when, and with whom I am certain I was fated to have known and to have been given the blessing of perspective because of that has only given more power to my one of a kind insight. Happy Poetry Day! 😊
Mark Hastings 