Going back to the beginning
and rereading what I wrote
when I was just starting down
upon this journey of poetry of mine
and then comparing what I wrote
and who I was then to who I am now,
is always a fascinating endeavour,
because things are so different now
to how they were before -
as is the world around me,
as well as the world within me…
going back and remembering
what I was doing, what I was thinking,
and what it was that inspired me
to write what I did at a particular time
is sometimes like trying to preserve
a castle out of sand from being
engulfed by the waves of the tide;
however, sometimes, the ability to be able
to seemingly move through time
and be transported back to the when,
the where and to the why I was inspired to write
something that seemingly had to be written
can feel so effortless that it can almost feel
as if no time has passed since the spark of creativity
touched me and motivated me
to express what was happening, what it was,
or whom it was who was on my mind at that time…
going back to my memories, my thoughts,
my recollections, and my feelings about
something, or someone, from a long time ago
is sometimes somewhat harder to do
especially when you have tried your hardest
over the years to distance yourself from certain things
and thoughts about certain situations and people -
which is why going back in time,
even if only in a literary and poetically speaking sense
can be dangerous, perilous, and painful,
like trying to cross a minefield of explosives
that can cause considerable harm
and psychological damage as a result…
going back over what you remember about
something you created can be illuminating
and interesting in so many ways,
but in a fundamental way it is like trying to recall
the images and the details of a particular dream that you had -
but because dreams are more
ephemeral than memories are
and they do not weigh down upon
our emotional state as much,
our thoughts and feelings are much more
like psychological scars and are much harder
to move away from because they are based
upon experience and not speculation…
going back down the road
that brought me to where I am now,
and as I proceed I see flashes of insight
that shed light upon something I may have missed,
is something that I do cautiously
and in no way casually,
because I know who I am
and what and who will trigger me
into veering off down a mental path
and wondering whether I made the right decision
when presented with a crossroads of choice;
however, whenever I do choose to venture internally
within my own mind that has over time
become more and more dense
with the same thoughts, feelings, and memories
that always find a way to rise to the surface -
like trying to traverse the foliage of a rainforest -
I have over time learned to not linger too long
on the shadows of what and whom I sometimes find,
and I instead just keep proceeding upon
the path of my life and embrace
every step of my journey through poetry.
Mark Hastings 