When I began this journey,
I didn’t realise that I was on a path
that would change everything about me…
when I was young I didn’t realise
that everything has a time limit,
and I couldn’t conceive of the notion
that everything didn’t last forever…
when I used to read books,
when I used to watch movies,
when I used to go outside
and ride my bike around my neighbourhood,
I used to believe that I could continue to do
and to enjoy doing certain things without end -
because I was uneducated to the reality
of the last time you might get to do something,
as well as the last time you might get to see someone.
When I left school and I first heard the news
that someone I knew, a friend of mine, had died
I was so shocked, I couldn’t make sense
of what I was hearing -
especially after I was told that my friend
had taken his own life because he couldn’t take
any more of being bullied for how he looked;
and even after all these years
I still wish that there was something
that I could have done to prevent what happened…
when I think back upon all the things that I have done,
when I think back upon all the places that I have been,
when I think back upon all the people that I have met,
it is hard to remember everything
as well as hard to remember everybody -
however some things and some people
we could never forget, even if we tried,
because sometimes things happen in our life
that mean more to us than we think
and the memory of them remains
ingrained within our consciousness
and is brought back to life within our dreams.
When I sleep at night, I know that I always dream -
but when I awaken I do not always remember
what I saw, nor who I encountered,
while within the world between worlds
where we all go to and are connected to
every moment of every day,
whether we all realise it, or not.
When I started to feel like I was a part
of something bigger than myself,
when I started to see signs telling me
that things in life weren’t always
as random as they seemed to be,
when I started to get the feeling
that I had a purpose in life that was mine and mine alone -
but which would see me doing things
and meeting certain people for a reason -
that was when something happened to me
that made me want to go seek out, explore,
wonder, learn, be inspired,
and not take a moment for granted…
whenever I have found myself at a place
and at a time when I have been taken aback
by the fact that I have been in the same position before,
and I have realised that I am continuing a cycle
and a trend that I thought would never happen again -
the same as I had seen other people repeat also -
I always promise myself that I will learn
from my mistakes of the past
and not repeat them in the future,
and I do try to be better than I was
at predicting the outcome of something before it happens.
Whenever I think about life and my place in the world,
the reason why I am here, and why things happen,
I have learned to be as philosophical
in my thinking and in my reasoning as I possibly can -
but, as always, just when you think you know everything,
just when you think you have seen everything,
just when you think you have heard everything,
something or someone will inevitably surprise you
and make you question whether something was always what it was,
whether someone was who you always thought they were,
and then, as before, life asks you
to look again at what you think you know,
take another guess at what is really going on,
and see what new conclusion you can come up with.
Mental health
My Poem “All my life/All my loves”
All my life I have known the gift of love…
all my life I have believed in,
and I have felt the power of,
the connection that can be shared
between two people who were always meant to meet…
all my life I have known the beauty of angels…
all my life I have believed that things happen
because they are meant to happen…
all my life I have been surprised
at how quickly my heart can be captured
by the way that someone who I have never met before
can take my breath away and make me feel
as if I have found my partner in crime
and the one who would always love me
just as much as I loved them,
from the moment of first sight…
all my life every relationship that I have had
has been a rollercoaster of feelings and emotions,
and there have been times when I would have done
absolutely anything for someone
in particular if they asked…
all my life I have trusted my instincts -
and most of the time my instincts
have been proven right,
but what I didn’t realise when I was younger
was that everything and everyone has their limits…
all my life I have always wanted
everything to work out for the best for me
and for those closest to me…
all my life the word “love” has been weaponised against me,
as it has been whispered into my ear,
and it has always found a way
to overcome all my emotional defences…
all my life I have never taken my love for someone for granted -
however, I have watched others suffer
as a result of being used, lied to,
and cheated upon by those who
are capable of saying one thing
but doing the complete opposite…
all my life - and despite my own experiences
with those people who are not how they
portray themselves to those who don’t really know them like I was able to -
I have never doubted that I would always be in love
with someone, with something, with somewhere,
because I have always been an optimist,
a romantic, and a poet at heart…
all my life I have allowed myself to be fooled
into believing that something can last forever -
which I don’t think is a bad thing,
because I do believe that there are rare cases
when two souls are destined to be together
and are always going to be a part of
one another even after death…
all my life the world has always made more sense to me
when I knew that I was not alone
and that someone wanted me to succeed
more than they wanted the same for themselves…
all my life I have been trying to be the best I can be,
but I have discovered that doing your best
is not always enough to get you
to where and to what you really want to be -
because everyone’s life is not only
defined by their actions,
but also by the actions of others;
however, I believe that if I were to be defined
in some way, by something, or by someone,
then the best way would be
to go back over the course of my life
and see, hear, feel, read, and understand
how much I have done
for all those who I have ever loved.
My Poem “Remake”
Usually, I am not a fan of redoing
something that has already been done…
typically, I do not like the thought of
attempting to capture something again
that has already been defined…
I have repeatedly stated that
the original of anything is always superior
to the sequel of something,
or any instance at trying to reinvent
what worked and why from the start…
however, as time has gone by,
as things have happened,
as I have witnessed numerous beginnings,
endings, rebirths, and renewals –
both literal and metaphorical –
I have become convinced that
there is a reason why we, sometimes, need
“to go back to the well”, so to speak,
and see what we can make
of what remains of what was.
Someone once said:
“Destruction is a form of creation” –
meaning: the act of destroying something
is also the act of creating something in its place…
I am not someone who likes to destroy anything,
and I never enjoy watching someone’s life
fall to pieces around them
because of the mistakes that they may have made…
I believe that no one has a right to judge
anything or anyone until you find out
more about them and why they are
who and what they are,
and who and what helped to make them a certain way…
I never thought I would see the day
when something that I created
was destroyed and came to an end –
love, art, relationships, partnerships –
but no one can ever truly imagine something
happening before it happens.
All things end – even the things that feel
as if there is no way they could ever
stop being what they have always been,
and would always be forever…
nothing can remain the same –
people, places, even things can change over time,
and sometimes some things can be destroyed
before your very eyes and you can’t do anything to stop it,
and you could not have done anything to prevent it…
stars, planets, civilisations, people, stories,
go through a period of life, death,
and then, eventually, they find themselves
in a state, in place, at a time that they could
never have foreseen themselves in before
they arrived and became aware that
the end of something is not what people think it is –
because, most of the time, there is an opportunity
to start over again with the same mindset as before,
perhaps with the same method –
but slightly, or substantially, different than before…
even the most hardened and stoic of people
would give anything to be able to go back
and revisit a time from their lives
when things were the best that they have ever been,
because, as time goes by, even the best of things
can deteriorate into the worst of things –
but we can only return to somewhere in the past
very briefly and not as substantially as we would hope to,
and in such a way to change things
that we wish we could do-over.
However, sometimes, if we care about something,
or if we can’t let go of the feelings that we have
which are associated with someone in particular –
so deeply and so profoundly –
then we might all choose the route of resurrection
to bring something, or someone, back to life –
but, in doing so, we might have to face to fact
that when something, or someone, returns
they might somehow be a different version of themselves
than they used to be,
because they have been reborn, revived, rekindled,
reinvented, rewritten, recreated, and remade.
My Poem “Return to the Beginning”
Life can sometimes be
like being on a fairground ride,
like being on a rollercoaster -
because so much of our time
is spent doing the same things
in a repeating cycle;
however, no matter how much nostalgia
we feel for a time, or for a place, in the past,
if and when we attempt to go backwards
and in reverse then we may only find
heartbreak waiting for us -
especially when we realise that
we can only stay where we used to be
for a short time before returning
to the present, to the now, to who we are,
to the knowledge of what happened, what changed,
and who we have lost along the way.
Returning to the past can be difficult;
returning to the past can be challenging;
returning to the past can be painful;
returning to what was can sometimes
shine a light upon what was pushed
into the shadows of your mind for a reason
that you may have forgotten about;
returning to the path of memory lane
can make you realise where, when, why,
and how things changed for the best,
as well as for the worse.
Life can sometimes feel like a constant uphill struggle;
life can sometimes feel like a Summer’s kiss;
life can sometimes feel like a fever dream;
life can sometimes feel like something is happening
that you can’t control or understand,
but you have to make the best of it;
life can sometimes feel like a constant
storm of emotions and feelings
that you have to overcome;
life can sometimes feel like
it has been a long time coming
since things were simple and made sense.
Returning to the origins of a story;
returning to the muse of inspiration;
returning to the flash that started
the tidal wave of creativity;
returning to the source of rejuvenation;
returning to that which opened doors to other places,
which lead to meeting other people,
in sometimes new, interesting, and unexpected ways,
can remind us of why we are all, mostly,
hopeful of a better world,
and optimistic of what possibilities
the future of tomorrow might bring;
however, though it is nice to find things
and to see things that we haven’t
seen in some time,
and though it is initially good to see
people we may not have been
in the presence of for sometime,
there is always a cost to be paid,
to be taken, and to be made,
if you ever want, if you ever need,
or if you ever feel like you must go back
and return to the beginning.
My Poem “Dreams Come True”
As far back as I can remember,
I have always been a creator…
when I was younger,
I used to draw, I used to paint,
I used to use colour to express myself –
however, for some time now
I have used words and language
to paint a picture within someone’s mind
of what I see, what I believe, what I think about,
and what excites my imagination in such a way
that I am inspired to write about something
that I have never written before.
As far back as my memory goes,
I have always been someone who
can never stop asking questions
and looking for answers that I know
are there to be found –
like a detective, I have always believed
that if you keep going then every day
you will discover something new
that will further unveil a new layer
to life’s endless possibilities,
mysteries, secrets, and stories.
When I was younger,
I always gravitated towards,
and I was always spellbound by,
the characters that I saw in films and TV shows,
as well the songs that I heard on the radio
that all seemed to be conveying something
deep and profound about the human experience
that made me feel something akin to a spiritual awakening:
because what I saw, and what I heard,
touched and implanted something inside of me
that would take years to grow into
whatever it is that sustains me
and never stops inspiring me.
As far back as I can tell -
though I was not always as gifted
as I am these days at grasping the reasons
why things happen and why people do what they do –
I have always believed that
the best things in life are always
the things that make us happy
and fill us with joy and love,
and if we are lucky enough
to one day find certain people in the world
who are willing to take a chance on us,
and give us a little bit of their time,
to show them who we are
and what makes us different
from everyone else,
then anything is possible,
anything can happen,
and anything that can be imagined
can be made real and can change the way
that people perceive the world,
as well as the universe.
When I was a child, everything –
time in particular –
seemed to take forever to change;
however, these days it feels like
every moment seems to fly by
and I don’t get enough time
to take something for what it is,
or what it could be,
and see where it takes me,
because there is always
something else to do,
somewhere else to be,
and there is always news of someone else
who was there one minute
but who seemingly, in the blink of an eye,
left us without a word for the world to come.
As far back as any of us
can go back in our thoughts,
and as far back as any of us can sometimes
see echoes of what we have done,
where we have been,
and who we have known throughout our lives,
there is nothing that is more important, significant,
nor a more powerful part of our existence
than the fact that we get to live
and we are free to do
whatever we choose
with what we are gifted with
to make up our own minds about
what we want our future to be
and what we need to do to make
our words and our dreams come true.
My Poem “Square One”
Just like in the game of Monopoly
when everybody first arrives in this world
they start with the word “Go”,
and then they roll the dice
that will decide for them
where the game they are
involved in will take them –
and the rules of life
are similar to the rules of a game:
each of us start somewhere,
each of us are given a name,
each of us are given choices,
and as we learn more about
who we are and what motivates us
we find ourselves being pulled
down particular paths,
by particular things,
by particular people,
into making decisions
that will effect the rest of our lives.
No one in this life
is immune to influence –
because our brains are driven
by stimulation and information,
even from a young age…
no one can stop themselves
from making the “wrong choice” –
because up until a choice or a move
has been played to its conclusion
there is no way of knowing
the outcome of anything…
everybody dreams of becoming
something or someone when they are a child –
something or someone
who they see and want to emulate;
but I wonder how many people
actually became who they wanted to be
when they grew up,
if they did what they wanted to do,
and if they became who they wanted to be
when they were a kid?
Life has a way of making certain things happen,
while other things never get off the drawing-board…
people have a way of changing
their minds more frequently than they would think under certain circumstances…
the terrain that people think
will always stay the same
has a way of being remade
that cannot simply be returned
to how it used to be –
because nothing, no one,
and nowhere stays untouched
by outside influences.
From the moment that
the necessary components of our planet
coalesced and began to slowly
but surely evolve into
the wild testbed of experimentation
that it will always be,
even before humanity entered
the mix and started effecting
the world by any and all means,
Earth has been visited from space
many times by its fellow
celestial cousins
and it has continued to
thrive and go with the flow
of whatever course
plays out upon its surface.
Everything and everybody
begins their journey with
whatever and whomever
they have at their disposal,
and then, before long,
everything and everyone
finds themselves being
taken to places that they
do not choose to be –
but places where others want them to be;
and that is when the seeds
of rebellion are first sowen,
that is when the first ideas
of defiance start to get louder and louder –
until every individual decides to do something for them
and for no one else,
and that is when it starts:
that is when the power of chance
can start to change the map
of the world within our mind
and start to alter our opinion
of what we are here to do
and who we are supposed to be.
We all think that we will not
make the mistakes that similar people in our shoes have made in the past…
we all think that we can somehow
be different from other people
if we have “more” of something
than someone else…
we all think that we might get to see
something that no one else has ever seen,
or experience something
that no one has ever done before;
but each of us discover
that we are all constantly stuck
in a loop of repetition
that is hard to break free of –
especially when we find out that
there are powers in the world
that wish to control others
into thinking and believing
that one way is the only way
and supercedes all others…
we all think that there is a way
to see something before it happens,
and perhaps prevent the inevitable –
but time and time again
each of us are given a wake up call
that reminds us that some things
will always happen
because they were always meant to happen:
including proceeding down a path
for as long and for as far as we can
before realizing that we have
actually returned to where we were
and have to start over again
from Square One.
My Poem “Relationship’s End”
A relationship doesn't just happen,
a relationship takes time
to build, to grow, to change...
a relationship can begin
in many different places,
at many different times,
for many different reasons,
and in many different ways...
a relationship does not have
an established timeline, a map,
nor a explanation as to when
and how things will happen
over the course of it, nor why -
because a relationship must be allowed
to become what it is supposed to be.
When it comes to relationships,
you cannot compare
the relationship you have with someone
to the one shared by other people,
because every relationship is unique...
when it comes to knowing
what to do while in a relationship,
no one can know what is the right thing
and what is the wrong thing to do -
because no matter how much time
you spend committed to making
a relationship last as long as it can,
nor how hard you try,
things will undoubtedly happen
that will push every bond to its limit,
and cracks will ultimately start to form,
and one day -
through no fault of any one person -
a relationship, like a mirror,
might shatter into pieces
because of all the stress
it finds itself under.
Sometimes relationships end
because they have to,
because they were always meant to -
however, when you look back
over the path you made with someone,
you can see where things started
to slowly but surely go wrong
from all the clues
that were always there to be found...
when a relationship is no more,
and you have to walk away from someone
who used to mean something profound to you,
it can be easy to blame yourself
for why things went from good to bad -
but sometimes some things
are just not meant to last,
because sometimes when we catch up,
and then we go beyond,
what we always thought
a relationship would be
all we start to see
are all our chances to leave,
all the escape routes,
all the ways out we can use
to return to a state of being
when and where we are accountable
to no one else's actions but our own.
My Poem “Lost Trust”
I have always believed
that trust was one of the most
important things in life
that can be given
and one of the most
painful things that can be lost;
however, the problem with trust
is that people are not always trustworthy -
people lie, but they always have
a reason and a motive
for why they do what they do,
and for why they say what they say.
I have been told that I am näive
when it comes to making a decision
when it comes to helping others
as well as too quick to
open my heart too easily
for others to take advantage of -
and though it pains me to admit it,
I am, and I have always been,
someone who has worn my heart on my sleeve,
and I have always given more
than I have received:
and I have been told that
that is the sign of a good person.
I am not sure if I am a "good person" -
but what I do know is that there are
people in this world who use others,
who cheat on others,
who have no respect for others,
and when it comes to making a choice
between what they want
and what others want
some people will always choose
to be selfish every time.
The number of people
whom I have trusted over my life
began small when I was younger,
and then, of course, began to grow bigger over time;
however, now I could probably count
on one hand the people
who I truly trust and why.
Love is not the allie of mine
that I used to think it was;
people have seldom been truthful with me;
my love is something I have
been too readily to offer another -
but I am here to say
that is about to change.
I have been hurt one too many times;
I have had my opinion of people
repeatedly overturned more
times than I can count;
I have done things for others
in the past the instant that they asked -
but now I am not so sure
if my ability to trust people
like I used to will ever return,
because I am recovering
from all the years and all the scars
of being psychologically,
as well as emotionally, burned.
All my muses have left me...
all who once aided my creativity
and made me believe that they loved me
have found someone else to leach from...
all I have left is what
and who truly matter to me -
those who can rest assured
that I will be there for them,
just as they have always been there for me,
because our pull to one another
is the strongest force of the universe.
All I know for sure is that
what has been lost will never return -
but one day, perhaps,
I will discover that I have
more faith to offer
and that not all my trust
has been lost.
My Poem “There is no tomorrow”
It is good to dream,
and it is good to be a dreamer...
it is good to believe,
and it is good to be a believer...
it is good to send out a message of hope
into the universe without knowing
if you will ever receive a reply...
it is good to make a list of things
you want to do and places
you want to visit before you can't...
we all wish that some things
could be different and that we could
somehow go back and change what happened;
however, we are not meant
to have the power of a god,
we are not meant to live beyond
the last day of our destined journey,
we are not meant to know everything -
but each and every one of us,
right this second, have something
that we have in common:
an opportunity to choose
where we will go next, why, and how.
The past is fixed, indellible,
and what happened before is what it is...
the present is where we find ourselves now -
and everybody knows that
there is something important they want to do,
there is somewhere that they want to be,
and, usually, it is doing something else
and being somewhere else
than where they are...
the future does not exist until it does -
and, for most people, the future
is so far away and so illusive
that they do not realise
they have arrived there
until they take a look around
and see how much things
and people have changed...
every day we are alive
we are travelling into the world to come -
and as we get older
each day seems to
pass us by faster and faster,
as if we have all unwittingly
always be the participants within a race.
In life, we all lose more than we gain;
but it is over the course of our life
that we get to experience
and witness moments like no other,
and there is no better time
than today, and right away,
to do what you want to do,
to go where you want to go,
and to be with whoever
wants to be with you -
because when it comes to
making a choice that will
effect your life forever
the present is all that matters,
because there is no tomorrow.
Mark Hastings 